Saturday, October 17, 2009

Fenton Niles: Heartbreak Avenger


Who The Hell Is Fenton Niles?

Fenton Niles: Heartbreak Avenger


I would love to love you

But just for tonight

I would love to hold you

But just for this one night

If I held you, Darling,

For more than this one night,

I would probably beat the hell out of you.

 - Rho Jitters,

“Just For This One Night”


            Now, please, don’t judge me solely by what you just read in the prologue. That wouldn’t be fair, it’s just an isolated story. I mean, it’s truthful, but it isn’t me. Sure, I did those things, but I just don’t break hearts for fun. I believe the heart is the most important part of the human experience, I believe that our capacity to love is the reason we were put on Earth.

            So, when people abuse other people’s love, I believe that to be the biggest crime one can commit. Breaking someone’s heart is worse than murder; instead of sending them down river towards the afterlife, you’re leaving them stranded in the here-and-now, lost without a compass.

            You’ve broken them.

            And imagine by dysphoria when I realized that my heart hasn’t just been broken once, it’s been broken seven times. Seven fucking times.

            Seven criminals, wandering out there. Love criminals. Heartbreakers.

            Call me what you will: Dick. Asshole. Unmitigated douchebag. I prefer one title and one title only: Heartbreak Avenger. I think it has a nice ring to it. In fact, if they ever are to make this book into a movie, I’d prefer them to call it Fenton Niles: Heartbreak Avenger. It is way more bad-ass than “Fenton Niles and The Seven Girls I Never Boned” or whatever they decided to call it.

            Besides, long titles are a death warrant for films nowadays. There’s a reason people were lining up around the block to see Titanic but ignored Around The World In 80 Days, and it had nothing to do with the fact that it sucked. People don’t care if a movie sucks, I mean, look at how many people line up to see each year’s crop of shitty horror movies. But they see them; each and every one turns a profit. Why? Short titles.

            Back to Around The World in, gah, I can’t even finish it. The average person looks at that and says “Around The World–Jesus Christ, just summarize it! You know what? I’m just gonna watchShrek 2 again.” BAM. You just lost a ticket. So, if you’re an aspiring director looking to make my awesome life into a film, just call it Fenton Niles: Heartbreak Avenger. And cast Will Smith as me, even though I’m actually White and very Jewish. The guy can pull anything off! Have you seen Shark TaleHe was a fish!


            Anyways, let’s get back on topic. Seven criminals. Seven girls who had my heart, and ruined it. Now, don’t think I hold a grudge against every girl I’ve ever had romantic feelings for who never reciprocated. I can deal with a girl not being into me, trust me. Their loss, but, you know, whatever.

            What makes these seven girls special is that they mocked me. They knew they had my heart, and they led me on until they got bored and ripped me to shreds. Instead of being mature and telling me that, for whatever reason, they didn’t want to return my feelings, they opted to degrade me. A couple of them just picked on me in high school. Several of them left me for another, less successful jerk. One of them just stopped taking my calls completely and the next thing I knew, the police were at my door, threatening to bust me for “harassment.”

            You bet your ass that girl got an earful. (From a mutual friend because I wasn’t permitted within 100 feet of her.)

            Now, my list, well, my list remains top secret. Of course, by the end of this book, you will know all the names and in what order they come, but if I gave you all of them now, that would destroy the fun. What if The Da Vinci Code had started off with “Yo, Jesus and Mary Magdalene totally got it on”? What reasons would you have to stare at Tom Hanks’ terrible hair then? Hmm? You’d have no reason at all. You know I’m right.

            However, I will wet your appetite just a little bit by giving you the first three names. They go in order:

            1. Honey

            2. Tatiana

            3. Kitty

            Yes, these are their real names. No, they aren’t all strippers. No, I won’t give you their last names. Yes, I will let you blow me (unless you’re a dude or an ugly chick.)


            Now, you may be asking yourself, “Where does this tool get the money to fly from LA to Chicago to Lord knows where? He’s probably lying.”

            To which I reply “Hey, shut up, I’m getting there. God, you’re so impatient.”

            You’ve probably actually heard of me before. Not by name, but by reputation. I’m a band promoter, arguably one of the most famous promoters in the world. (Did I say arguably? I didn’t really mean it, I just wanted to feign humility for a second.)

            For example, the über-popular indie act Mooted Muses hired me before they were famous, and I rented them a bus and had them set their instruments up on top of it. You may have read about how we toured America and they would play non-stop through every major city, highway and town, and we painted their website URL on both sides of the bus.

            Yeah, I did that.

            You might also remember how singer-songwriter Hey Norjam stormed the stage at the 2003 VMA’s wearing nothing but his acoustic and quickly rattled through his not-yet-number one hit single “Your Naked Soul (Tastes Like Candy)” before being pulled offstage. The crowd started screaming for an encore, and the next week, he got a record deal. Two weeks later, YNS (TLC) went straight to number one.

            But what you didn’t know is that I also was the guy who made sure every clock radio that the electronics company InstantAM produced from 2002-2005 had a special chip that turned it into a clock-shaped speaker. And in 2006, when aging 90's rock band Coconuts Wring decided they wanted a big release of their comeback single “Why Aren’t I Sleeping?” I finally set them off. Yeah, I nearly got my ass sued straight off my body for that.

            Luckily, each and every one of these shenanigans were covered by my faithful friend Josh Burns. He’s a lawyer and an amazing one at that. We met in college and I knew he would be a keeper when it turned out he was just passive enough to put up with my bullshit, yet cool enough to make petty comments about assholes we both knew.

            The point is, for the better part of a decade, I’ve made loads of money by convincing awesome bands to launch crazy publicity stunts and then watching other people clean up the mess.

            And, I invested a lot of it. You might also know my name from some of the following businesses and/or companies: Fenton Niles Real Estate, Fenton Niles Incorporated, Fenton Niles Winery, Fenton Niles Guitar Shop, Fenton Niles Credit Union, Fenton Niles Cutlery, The Fenton Niles First National Bank, Fenton Niles Pizzeria, Fenton Niles’ Porn Hut, Fenton Niles Chiropractor, Fenton Niles Burger Palace, Fenton Niles’ Glass Dildo Emporium, The Fenton Niles Pub, Fenton Niles’s Place (a clothing store), and “Fenton Niles, Underestimated” (a much more pretentious clothing store.)

            The best thing about having so many companies is that I can assign lots and lots of overly qualified people to run my businesses, but still take in a lot of the profits. Now, don’t get me wrong, I donate to charity, and I pay my taxes. But a good deal of the money I bring in goes to playing around, which is why I can wine and dine these girls. These criminals of love.

            You see, my success wasn’t always guaranteed. These seven girls couldn’t see the forest through the trees, and they tossed me aside. When telling my story, many people say “Hey, you’re a douchebag,” but they also say “Fenton, I know you’re hurting, but maybe this was how it was supposed to be. Maybe these seven girls had to hurt you, maybe you became such a success because of all the adversity you faced, not in spite of it.” To which I eloquently respond “Shut your whore mouth and let me finish the damn story.”

            Now, let’s get back to the story. F.Y.I., this isn’t your average run-of-the-mill story where everything happens in order. I’m going to jump back and forth a bit, skip ahead in the list and then pull back.


            I could easily say it’s because I believe it heightens the drama and overall narrative but I’m going to be honest and say “I have adult ADD and I can’t remember it all at once.”

            I think a nice introduction would be in a coffee shop in Boston, right after my fourth conquest, where Josh and I discuss my next devious plan...


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